Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Drier than Rioja

I went to Spain this summer. I meant to go to Holland again but last time I ended up at some gay motel. I almost got kicked out because I kept bringing scissors in the public shower and cutting the string on some dude's soap on a rope. Hey, I just wanted him to bend over so I could see the view of his balls from the back end. It's hard to compare your own when you're looking from the front. I wasn't trying to be goosin' him or anything, shiiiit, who that guy think he be? Bringin' some mofo soap on a rope shit in a public shower?

Last time I saw some disgraceful chastity belt shit like that was in DC jail. Since I'm the DC Bachelor, I can tell you all about the DC jail, from the Silver Spring lock-up. Listen, it's all the same, homies. So there I was, pulled over and gettin' my ass in a sling for a DWI. I blew a .24 but I's got to question that thing Officer Robo put in his mouth. That shit squirted some fluid after I was done huffing and puffing. Last time that happened was when I stuck a pen in my mouth and tried to swallow the ink to get high in grade school. He told it was gonna purge my germs and wipe my tongue clean. Seems to me that I'm the only one who didn't get off. Yo tho, in fairness to me, my brain was cloudy and my heart was an achin'. You see, I got so drunk that night cuz my girlfriend dumped me for some fucking man.

How can you be datin' a man? I asked her. I was slinging back drinks at Cafe Citron. Aren't you content with a bad ass boy like me? I'm swifter than K-Fed and my rhymes are even more without reason.

She never gave me no real reason. She said she couldn't stand dating such a blog muffin and she needed to go find her own light. Plus she never understood why I'd bend her over once a month and call her Steve. She didn't buy my explanation of dating a girl named Steve. Oh well.

Instead, she left me for some older dude who drives a new VW, has a DOG, and a clean cut Marine 'do. Oh yeah, he was a Marine. Is a Marine. She said something about tiring of dating a man who was into seaman. WTF? Beotch thinks I was in the Navy. Stupid beotch.

She then be addin' the final diss-that I'm stingy with the dollahs. Bitch just be wantin' my money! When we went split the tab at McDonald's, she got pissed. Fuckin' A, she threw a fountain soda at me and wasted a dollah and some cents!

Shortly rights after, I went to Spain. I couldnt carry no date rape drugs on me, or what I like to call the DBC cocktail, cuz them damn security folks are all freaked up about sand brothas. So freaked that they stopped and made me follow them to some special room and stick a glove up my ass to double check for bombs. The only bomb they found was the air comin' out my ass. That shit tickles, you know what gives, a little finger finds some gold, a lotta finger lights my fire. Shit, why didn't he just commit? That shit is too legit to quit.

I go merrily along my way after that whole traumatic incident in the black room with black dudes and I meet these chickie-doos in Spain but some reason these babes ain't givin'. I almost smacked one for laughing when I asked her to meet for for chips and a blow job in my room. Well, she's gotta give somethin' if she even wants to be breathin' the same air as me, ya know?

These babes I met....so smokin' hot but damn if they ain't hard up. They all had these big studly Spaniards walkin' behind 'em like bodyguards. I couldn't get down their pants to taste those tapas if my life depending on it. I kept tellin' em I was Pierce Brosnan, usually works in Poland but they laughed at me in Spain. Guess that's why there ain't no "How do Spaniards make Kool Aid? They pour water in the packet" jokes.

So everynight was spent alone and jerking off, as usual. No cat to keep that other pillow warm. No pussy to hold in my arms, no cat breath in my face or near my loins.

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