Break On Through To the Other Side

Sometimes I like bacon and sometimes I like eggs. Sometimes I eat breakfast in the morning and sometimes I eat it for dinner. Brothas on a beer budget understand this, for the rest of you, a big fuck you if you can't relate.

Sometimes I like walnuts, alotta times I be diggin' my hand in the communal beer nut bowl at Happy Hour. Fuck all that pie in the sky shit about germs. When your dick's been around like mine, you don't care about some weasly pussy shit like germs in a beer nut bowl.

And lotsa times I be thinking about nuts on my chin. Lately, cuz the chicks are onto my game and tired of my rap (it's hard to keep up with K-Fed), I like to bend over like rover and get a good rimmin'. Ya can lick my bowl clean any time, it don't make me gay. Whats up with this homo shit everybody be talkin' 'bout just 'cuz I likes to do some group grope and a little oral now and then?

I'm gonna be lookin' for a butt plug tonight. Hopefully he ain't as hairy as I and minds his P&Qs. Whatsa P & Q? He aint a pussy and he aint a queer.

Yo, you interested? Email me at dcb@dcbachelor.com

Or my alternate email: roosh4@yahoo.com

Cafe Citron - Tonight!

Any chickie dees want to spread 'em for me tonight? Come at eight pm.

Any dudes want to exchange some mutual masturbation techniques? Come at ten when I'm just gettin' started on the hot toddy's.

See you tonight. Meet me downstairs. You can't miss me, just follow the trail of thick, curly pubic hairs down the steps. I'm the big 6'1 wooly bear with a beer gut and exotic schoolboy looks.

I Hate Anyone Better Than Me

Yo, I thought I'd get jiggy and write some today. Give me a big' ol' holler! My summer has been swelterin' and rockin' but before I dive into tellin' you 'bout my 'ventures, let's put on our poker faces and get real serious first.

Do you know there's a word for self hate? It's called misogynistic. In my dreams I'm Tucker Max who just landed a $400,000 book deal. When I'm not Vin Diesel, that is, or my other hero, K-Fed. (Man, I'd love to be spearing that Britney). Or I'd take Kevin, he can get my rocks off anytime. Hey, if that's what it takes to get to the prize. I mean, she is a prize, right? Well, I think so. Even though she's talentless, (I can relate), she's made some serious dough and if she ever runs out, I can sell her bling or sell her ass like bling. There's nothing wrong with sucking some dude's cock to get to their partner's steamin', hot tang. I'm not big into pastries but I like a cream puff on occasion.

So back to me, myself, and I. That's be K-Fed, Tucker and Vin. It's so much better bein' some else, have you seen what I look like? I'm a hairy beast. I'm one of those dudes that's too rude to even consider a wax. Why should I shave my hair nuts? First, they're very little but real doughy like undercooked matzo balls. And then, the chick is there to serve me, ass, tongue and pussy. Hers, that is. Unless she wants to lick my ass which would be a nice change because it gets tiring for me to do so much ass kissing at work. And sometimes, licking for real.

I really hate myself, and I hate women for hating me because I'm a dick. I can't help it. My father beat my mother and wrung her ass out cuz she pumped out me, then a few more, and he wasn't satisfied til he stretched her twat like Playdough in a medieval chamber. While she was pregnant with me, she drank a shitload of booze, which is the explanation for my lack of penis. My dick is so small that you'd have a better chance of finding a needle in a haystack. Japanese condoms fall off. Saran Wrap? Forget it? Ok, I confess, really, I don't use condoms. I prefer to bareback all that sweet, hot GW pussy.

My trick to getting pussy? First, I go to my buddy's house and, once we pick up at it (get my drift?), he gives me free date rape drugs. I then go back out and buy some unsuspecting eighteen year old a drink.

Once I drug her, I bring her back to my place at - wait oh wait oh wait oh wait - oh no he didn't, oh no, yo yo yo mother fuckers! Sniff, I just can't believe it. NEWSBREAK, EVERYONE, NEWSBREAK!

What the hell is this?

http://dceiver.blogspot.com/2005/05/you-call-that-hammer.html

They callin' me a wimp? They be callin' me a fag? They be callin' me too little for big words? My vocab is to die for, you swine dc-eiver bitches, I can dish out dollops of vocabu-palooza. How's that? Huh? How's that one FOR YOU, SWINE? I bet you full time fairies never even saw that COMING!

Let me put these mofo wannabee ruffnicks in their place before I tell you my secret to power prowess dating. Let me stomp on this swine and kick it back out to play in the mud, I'm gonna stomp their asses like grape to wine, like swine to pork, like a gay man in a bathhouse pre 1981. Ok, shit, I'd take it post '81. That's right, my holier than thou sword shall slice through these hereby cotton pickin' vermins.

Sing along with me first. We need a little prayer because that one percent of me that's non Vulcan is a bit scared. You're even gonna be impressed that I got the lyrics mem-o-rized!

Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya,
Kumbaya, My Lord, Kumbaya,
Kumbaya, My Lord, Kumbaya,
Oh, Lord, Kumbaya.

It took me a long time to not mix up that last line with the first three. Anyhoo, how DARE these dc-eivers, and btw, who they think they be deceivin' in the first place? You know what those WANNABEE gnats called this wannabee playa nog?

""To be honest, with all the free time this little gnatish refugee from a Tag Body Spray Commercial has on his hands, I was honestly intrigued at what he might put forward."

Who they think they are even talkin' that shit? Can they walk the walk? Mofos don't realize, my shit sells, and it don't stink, either. My Tag Body Sprays have done well, I got little boys following me around like future priests to a choir boy, ok? You know what I mean? Have these mofos even TRIED TAG? I think not! Otherwise, they wouldn't be talkin' shit about it, those mofos be wearing that other body spray and that shit sucks, it couldn't get me noticed, those three dollars were my draft beer dollah pussy moneys, yo, that's right. One dollah to buy the beer for the chick to lace it with some date rape drugs and two dollahs to buy some peanut snacks.

Yo, yo, dumb smacks, I got game. Why else I got so many hits on my site? I *GOT GAME*. It's so obvious that everyone is jealous of my slicked back 'do, my thriving tee shirt company (I've had that idea since twelve and it finally came to fruition - PTL!), and my GAME. My essays on chicks are GROUND RIVETING. They move the earth faster than my bowels on a post Superbowl morning. I GOT GAME. How many times do I's got to reiterate that I am the M A N. Women wanna be me, and men wanna be with me.

Dceiver, go fock yerselves, you vermin' swine, ok? We ALL KNOW that I be the man. I be gettin' double helpings of tang at the buffet, I don't care if they be servin' defrosted food, I be gettin' it. Double helpings of that.

THE CLASSIC DCB HALLOWEEN COCKTAIL

Ok boyz and girlz, brothas and hoes. it's time for to roll out the red carpet and present my favorite Halloween cocktail. Every so often I'm gonna give you some insight into what makes me rock and what makes me roll. This stuff I created is smackety smack tasty and gonna make you spin and hit the fan like Barry on crack. The recipe is a bit complicated so follow along closely. Took me several tries.

The DCB - Halloween Afro-Diesel-iac

I bottle of Gilbey's vodka
Half a pint of tonic
Six used tampons steeped in boiling water for 30 mins, Super Sized works best (I borrow my sister's)
Six used condoms, contents scooped (siphoning it with your mouth is a bonus treat, like
licking the beater clean)

Mix all ingredients together. Add tampon juice last, stir slowly and lovingly. Pour into highball glass, add tampon as a swizzle stick. Will bring out the mad mojo.

My First Pair of Panties-For Sale

My ex, that size 12 porker, sells her panties over the net. She's sellin' a pair I wore just for fun but she ain't divulgin' that to her customers. They be gettin' a super boner-us and that's the smell of my man parts on her big granny whites. The ass they be smellin' is MINE O' MINE. Dy-No-MITE!

What do ya think, bros? Pretty fuckin' cool, 'specially for a brotha who failed finger paintin' 101.

DCB

I NEED MY HOES UNDER CONTROL

IF I WAS A GIRL
By DCB

If I was a girl, I wouldn’t sleep with guys so soon. This advice cockblocks me, but the best defense — to a man whose main goal is to sleep with girls as fast as possible — is to wait, especially since most guys are only willing to have sex with you once and never again. You don’t want to put out until a guy shows time investment.

But how much time investment?

Enough so that if the sex is bad, his first instinct is not to dump you. While I don’t believe in time invested, almost all other guys do. If he spent a lot of time getting you in bed, he will be less willing to “throw it all away” just because you didn’t give enthusiastic oral sex.

Waiting will only work if you are a quality woman. The amount of quality you need to have depends on the kind of guy you are going after: the higher status male, the more you must have your shit together. If you want to land him, and you think he wants to be landed by you, then you need a better strategy than answering the phone on the third ring and relying on advice from girlfriends who have watched too many movies.

I asked myself, “What would work on me?” What could a girl say to me on date two, three, or — doubtfully — four that would still keep me hanging on even though we weren’t having sex? I embraced my feminine side and came up with something that, if said to me by a girl I liked, may keep me in the game:

I want to be intimate as much as you do, but sex is something that is very important to me. It takes a lot of trust and time for me to do that. I don’t date multiple guys and I don’t care about where you take me out, but sex is one thing that we should wait for. I don’t know how long it will take and I can’t promise that anything that will happen, but you are the only guy that I’m seeing right now. If you can be patient and we can spend some time together, I want to see where this goes.

There are five things that were communicated there:

1. She is not a whore.
2. She is not a spinster or serial dater.
3. She is not trying to spend my money.
4. She is probably not playing games.
5. She is not needy.

If I was a girl, I would maybe say that to guys. Most would walk away, but I’m sure some wouldn’t. It doesn’t completely solve the problem of getting pumped and dumped, but is sure does a good job screening out guys like me, who find it unnecessary to wait for sex past date two.

How Can I Get Some 'Tang Tonight

I'm so frustrated, what's a homie gotta do to get his balls drained, his nuts tickled, and his ass rimmed? Don't know why chicks ain't into that last one. I used to rim my brother's best friend's cousin's sister's tutor's behind. It was no big deal. It's like jail sex, when you're in the slammer, holmes, and hard up, it's like eatin' fast food when you're starvin' in the desert, No one ain't gonna hold it against you. So what if I stuck my face up a pile of butt crack, it wasn't that bad. I was six and I didn't know any better, I just followed the eye of the tiger and stuck it right between the sweet cheeks of the tutor who was a genius at math and freebasing. So good at math he got my number.

Sometimes a brotha's gotta do somethin' to drain their nuts. I tried to train my cat like DeNiro on Meet the Parents. He got that damn cat trained like a motha.....my cat just kept clawin' my nuts and her tongue feels like sandpaper. You know, like cheap one ply toilet tissue except you ain't got nothin' to pick out yer ass right after. I hate pickin' out that shit from my butt. Why they gotta make cheap ass toilet paper like that? I ain't against bein' frugal now, but come on, this ain't like buying draft beer, holmes, this is some shit that leaves a mark on yer butt. The human stain. I jus don't get why chicks want you to shower before sex. So wazz a little wad of tp between your cheeks? Wazz a little (ok - big) beer gut between fuck buddies? We gonna turn out the lights anyway. Not like she's gonna have her hand up my azz and call me Steve. That'd be voluntary duty. You ever see some of the chicks I date? Unsavory cunts, most of 'em. Most of 'em got wads of tissue in their labias. WHEW! Bros, next time stick your head down some local hotbox at your neighborhood dives. Trust me, my nuts smell sweeter on a sweltering summer day than their twat box in a morgue.

Bein' the frugal brotha I am, I got save money for game, you know. Not just pickin' up chicks but all those sports events I'm an enthusiast about. Down at the SE corner where Tracks used to be, there's an old sport called Fist Your Finogle. You spend a few bucks at the theater and walk into a closed room that's black and dark and the smell of bung holes briskly rubbing against each other could ignite a California wildfire and blow some nostrils out. My nose hadn't been this lit up since that last eighth of blow me and Kelly Ann Collins did off my dick. By the way, KAC is the finest piece I've ever had. She dumped me after I called her Steve a few too many times. But come on, Bros! The humorless bitch had it coming. She put a blonde wig on me and called me Windy!

I squeezed my ass in this tiny seat and sat next to some dude pullin' a PeeWee Herman. I didn't know it was a gay theater. Don't know why I keep gettin' my ass in these situations. Sometimes I think my body is like a shish kabob stuck between two chunks of green peppers. This invokes many deep questions. Why am I there? Beef stands on it own alone, and why do I keep gettin' put in the wrong oven? Totally saps my potential and the full flavor of my beef keeps gettin' botched by some full moon lunacy. I forgot to add there were some onions on that kabob stick and I should 'em have held 'em. My game partner refused to swallow my joy juice. You taste like onions, he whined.

I'm an acquired taste, I quipped. You'll be singing my praises later. You'll see.

Next thing yer know, the lights toss out and someone's tossin' on me. It's pitch black and next thing I know, a got two lips and a fist up my rear. Now thankfully I was drunk as a skunk, high as a kite, but strong as Ali in his finest moment. I was flyin' like a , what's the saying? And stingin' like a fierce white negro butterly. Oh yo yo, check this out, a bee, yo yo, flyin' like a bee, and stinging like a fierce white negro butterfly, like my man K-Fed, yo, that's it, bros.

Damn I'm good. That's why the chicks think I'm fierce with a capital F. F I ERCE!

But tonight I'm left without some 'tang. At least I got pussy at home.